I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
