I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Enjoy the penises
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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