rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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