Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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