You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Randomize
