My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
