I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Randomize
