New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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