Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
