Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
