i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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