I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
