you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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