im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
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The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
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They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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