A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
