I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
