I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
