He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
