positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
