I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
