I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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