I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
