Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
