What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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