i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
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