I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
