So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
