yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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