I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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