Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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