she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
