While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
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