What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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