eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
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I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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