Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
