I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
