Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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