Apparently you make a good broom.
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
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I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
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Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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