In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
