My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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