is your mom at the bar?
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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