I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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