Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
