Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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