i think my tv is drunk
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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