So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
