If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Randomize
