i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
