Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
