Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
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I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
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By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
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