You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
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Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
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Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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