Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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