I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
