You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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